"Read"

A friend recently told me about a soap he had seen in his hotel room. It wasn't marked "Soap", "French-Milled", or even "Oatmeal". No, this beauty bar proudly bore the label "Cleanse".

This labeling serves a two-fold purpose. For those who can't figure out what to do with the bar of soap, a quick look at the wrapper gives them the hint they need. It also serves as a reminder for the absent-minded. As they are using the bathroom for other purposes, the cheery instruction will remind them that days or weeks have passed since they last participated in this activity and it is time to do it again.

Other complimentary products had similar labels. The tiny bottle of shampoo happily said "Wash" on its side. The hygiene-impaired traveler is lucky that the kind hotel staff has thought to differentiate between these two cleaning products. No one should cleanse their hair when washing is what is called for.

But this got me wondering if we are seeing the start of a trend. Will the box for my next TV be labeled "Watch"? Should I watch the box or the TV? The TV sounds like more fun, but the box actually tells me to gaze upon it.

Will my next my car have a sticker saying "Drive" on the steering wheel in case I forget why I got in it in the first place? Will having "Cut" engraved on the side of scissors keep me from running with them? Do we really need "Spend" printed on our money? I do just fine without the reminder.

Some other "helpful" labels that I do not want to see put into use are:

• "Wipe" printed on toilet paper.
• "Blow" on a Kleenex
• "Shove it" on a suppository (we all know it happens, but who wants to read it?)
• "Dig" on a shovel. What else could it possibly be used for?
  

There are so many signs around that tell me to slow down, move left, be quiet, move right, and look out that I don't need simple household products reminding me what they do.

Besides, by the time I am old enough to need "Brush" on the label of my toothpaste, I probably won't have any teeth left anyway.

What's in a name?

I have noticed that my name isn't working hard enough for me these days. After all, it doesn't give me any special recognition or perks. But I have noticed a few possibilities that will give me the attention I deserve.

Valet - I don't know who this Valet guy is, but he always has the best parking spaces reserved at restaurants or hotels. With my name changed to Valet, I can park in those premium spots whenever I want!

Emergency - This name change would also get me great parking at the hospital near the ER, where there are always signs stating "Emergency Vehicles Only". No parking on the top floor of the parking deck. Also, every store and restaurant has a special exit just for me! Most even have an alarm attached so everyone will see me making my exciting getaway.

Authorized - With this name I can use those handy turn-arounds on the freeway that are marked "Authorized Vehicles Only". I could also gain access to bank vaults and secret military complexes. When asked if I am authorized, I could honestly state, "I am" and flash my new drivers license.

While any of these names will work, I think I will go with my favorite. If you need to find me I'll be at the grocery store in the express lane with a full cart .

Sincerely,

15 Items or Less

"Am I Real?" by Dr. Zeus

Every day upon TV,
they have shows called "reality"
I don't do these things I muse,
which makes me just a bit confused.

I've never sung to win a prize,
I've never eaten reindeer's eyes.
I've never lived with total jerks,
except for those I see at work.

I do not have to walk a beam,
to get my lunch and some ice cream.
I don't sell t-shirts on the street,
to get a job in Donald's suite.

I've not been stranded with a tribe,
and had to outwit and survive.
I've never had my ride pimped out,
by burly men who yell and pout.

Is this what I'm supposed to do?
I swear I did not have a clue!
And If I don't then am I real?
Am I the one whose life's surreal?

I must find a chance right now,
to walk cross-country with a cow.
Should I get my look redone,
or maybe pick my Dad's new son?

There must be a way for me,
to make my life just like TV.
My old ways I will now doff
or else I might be voted off!