Peep Poop Cake

As part of our Easter Sunday dinner my sister-in-law made a pretty cake that she intended to look like a sunflower. The part of the flower petals were played by bright yellow peeps. As you can see the cake was really well done (and yes, I am trying to make up for what comes next).

However, she didn't count on my arrival. When I saw the mound of chocolate frosting covered with chocolate chips and peeps I felt moved to come up with an alternate name for this cake. And since much of my humor revolves around pee or poop (or both) I quickly came up with "Peep Poop Cake".

So great was my haste to get my new-found title out of my mouth that it took me two tries. The first time sounded something like "Poop Peep Pake". Eventually, I managed to get the new name out of my mouth and beamed like a toddler who has filled the toilet for the first time (Hey, I'm working on a theme here).

My other sister-in-law, who is enamored with poop anyway, thought the new name was great. My wife probably just rolled her eyes, but I don't know as I didn't look to see. She has commented in the past on my predilection for scatological jokes, so I know what kind of reaction to expect from her.

Later, as I filled my plate with ham and mashed potatoes I could feel those beady black eyes boring into my back. I glanced over my shoulder at the peeps. They returned my look with a sugary, unblinking gaze and I felt a shiver slide down my back. Were they cute, canary-colored confections, or were they beings proficient in producing peep poop?

After stuffing myself full of dinner, and taking the required after-dinner nap, it was time to cut the cake. My sister-in-law laid out thick slabs of cake on little plates, each bearing a peep or two. When I was given my piece with a single peep affixed to the top I turned the plate so that the peep was looking away from me. If I was going to eat its poop, I didn't want him to see me do it.

Despite my misgivings I took a small bite of my cake. It was delicious. I tucked into my piece with gusto, and before long all that was left was my peep. As I scraped my plate clean with a fork I realized that I let my own name for the cake get the best of me. Peeps don't really poop, and what I ate was a terrific chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.

Unless, of course, peep poop tastes like chocolate.

Dipwad Of The Day: Wal-Mart

I arrived at my local Wal-Mart at 7:30 this morning to get in some quick shopping before I was due at work. I often do my shopping at this time of the morning because I get to totally miss the meandering old people and screaming toddlers that take over the store during my lunch hour.

This Wal-Mart was recently converted to a SuperCenter, and stock has been reshuffled throughout the store over the last few months. A new sign on the building boasts they are open 24/7.

So without much thought I approached the doorway closest to where I parked my car (I was fiddling with my MP3 player, not an easy thing to do). As I neared the entrance I noticed a confused, older couple who were standing in front of the doors. They saw me coming and told me that the doors were locked, then they started the slow trek back to their car.

I stood there for a moment and checked that the doors were indeed locked. While the entryway was dark, I could see the interior of the store was fully lit. I noticed that the other entrance had some activity (which I assumed was people entering and leaving) so I walked over there. But as I got closer I noticed that the people were just standing around, like they were waiting for something.

I joined the semicircle of men who stood and watched people inside the store mill around. One of my fellow evictees said these doors were also locked, and that the employees were having a party to celebrate the grand opening of the SuperCenter.

We stood there for a few minutes, including this poor guy who was supposed to meet his wife (she was inside), and watched the people walk to and fro. Several of them saw us standing out there, but none were in a rush to let in a few paying customers.

Finally I gave a hearty, "Frak it!" and walked back to my car. As I crossed the damp pavement feeling unfulfilled and bitter I realized just how stupid this whole event was. In fact this kind of stupidity needed to be memorialized.

So I take great pleasure in naming my local Wal-Mart the recipient of my Dipwad Of The Day Award for closing their doors and turning away paying customers to celebrate their grand opening.

Politically Incorrect Literature

A recent news story in the London Times (see it here) told about a re-telling of the Three Little Pigs that was criticized by judges in a contest because it was considered to be offensive to Muslims and those in the construction industry.

Apparently because Muslims are forbidden to eat pork, they might take offense at a children's story that features pigs. Construction workers might take offense in the facts that the builders were pigs, two of the houses fell down, and the the pigs wore cowboy hats (as not all builders are cowboys).

So, with similar criteria to what the contest judges used in this case, I felt it was high time for another look at some classic and children's literature titles.

Moby Dick - This brutal story depicts the objectification, degradation, and murder of the proudest of sea creatures. This leads to feelings of isolation and poor self-esteem in the whale community, and in those who study and care for whales. In a related note, humpback whales should now be referred to as spine-challenged whales.

Go, Dog, Go - In this supposedly innocent children's book those who drive cars are depicted as dogs, which is very demeaning. It assumes that all drivers like to stick their heads out of the window as they drive, and that a healthy percentage of all drivers have fleas. This book also offends the color blind with its heavy reliance on the colors green and red for "go" and "stop".

1984 - A caustic tale that engenders mistrust in the government. It has caused inefficiencies in bureaucracies across the globe as government workers are demonized as being part of "Big Brother", and is directly responsible for the tensions that resulted in the cold war. Also, 1984 is wildly inaccurate as it clearly teaches that 2+2=5.

Green Eggs and Ham - Here we go with the pork products again, so strike one for offending the Muslims. Strike two for offending the lactose intolerant at the thought of being relentlessly badgered to try the eggs by the evil Sam I Am. Strike three is the obvious bias against the color green by depicting it as unsavory and unappetizing, which marginalizes green-colored folk like Kermit the Frog and the Jolly Green Giant.

A Christmas Carol - This book clearly advocates a class structure of "haves" and "have nots", and also contains disturbing scenes that may upset the recently dead. There is not one female character in the book named Carol, which could cause stress and disappointment to those so named. The frequent use of the word "Christmas" is sure to offend the Muslims, Hindu, Wiccans, pagans, agnostics, atheists, adherents of Festivus, and followers of the Invisible Pink Unicorn that might read this book. I would suggest we need a new edition of this book called A Non-Denominational Mid-Winter Song of Joy and Happiness.