The Vampires Strike Back!

For reasons that I only partially understood, I found myself back in the clutches of the sleep center vampires. Sure, I was there because the doctor wanted me calibrated for a C-PAP machine, but I knew the unsleeping denizens of that realm thirsted for another draught of my blood!

The preliminaries were almost identical to what I'd experienced the first time. I had a different technician, but all the same sensors were placed on my body in all the same spots. Then we went through the C-PAP masks. There were three different types, two of which covered only the nose. Since I tend to breath through my mouth, I really only had one option: a mask that covered most of my face.

So I laid on my back and tried to get used to the pressure of the incoming air. Sometimes the near-constant flow would cause me to forget that I could breathe out just fine against the slight pressure. When I finally started getting sleepy I rolled over. That was when the fun began.

A small stream of air hit me in the center of my right eye. The mask had shifted just a bit and air was now leaking out the side of the mask. I ended up lying on my back again and tried to shift the mask back into place. And shift it again. And again. No matter what I did, that stream of air flowed into my eyeball. After a few minutes of this the tech asked over the intercom if I was having problems. I told her what was happening and she came in and adjusted the mask.

Inevitably, perhaps, I developed an itch on my nose. I unthinkingly raised my hand to scratch it, only to encounter the plastic of the mask. Since I knew they didn't want me fussing with it just to ease the itch, I did my best to ignore it. For the most part I was successful, but it would return several times over the night.

I tried to sleep on my back, and I must have done so for a while because my watch said it was 11:30 p.m. and I in no way felt like I had lain there an hour. I rolled to my side again, and more air leaks started. Then again on my back. I tried to adjust the position of my head to increase the tension of the straps and stop the leaks. I had only minimal success with this. Once again my tech noticed and adjusted the mask for a second time.

I had been alternately dreading and looking forward to this night. I had steeled myself for not getting a lot of Z's, but even so, my inability to sleep in any great quantity was starting to piss me off. I'd had Darth Vader jokes going through my mind all day in anticipation of the mask, but now as I lay in the darkness with the air hissing into my mouth I realized I had the wrong movie. I wasn't Darth Vader, I was Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.

My mask and its straps even kind of resembled Bane's, and when I talked, I sounded about as incomprehensible. After midnight I really began to understand the villain's motivation. I was frustrated enough that I, too, wanted to pillage Gotham and break the back of the Batman. Bane wasn't really evil, he was just sick and tired of his mask!

By now the glowing dots on my watch said it was after 1 a.m. The tech had told me to try to relax when she'd tightened the mask the second time, and I did my best. Finally being able to roll over without any leaks helped a lot. It was then that I felt the strangest sensation. As my mouth and throat muscles relaxed, the pressure of the air expanded that passageway to the limits of what my flesh would allow. It didn't hurt, but it felt decidedly odd, like I could be a sword-swallower.

The next thing I knew it was 6 a.m. and the tech was waking me over the intercom. I had a split second of panic where the air pressure from the mask made me feel like I couldn't breathe, combined with a bit of claustrophobia from having this plastic thing gripping my head like the face-hugger in Alien. The tech announced that she was going to turn down the air, and as the pressure dropped I could suddenly exhale and the fear subsided.

When she came in to unhook me she said that once I had fallen asleep I responded very well to the machine. Then I washed up, grabbed the first of several cups of honest-to-God caffeinated coffee (I usually drink decaf, but I was really dragging), and went home to get ready for work.

I knew that there would be an adjustment period as I got used to the C-PAP machine, but the experience of my second visit has me worried about just how long that will take. I haven't gotten my machine yet, but it should be here in just a few days. I'm hoping that using it in my bed without all of the other wires, and being able to adjust the mask myself, will make it a little easier. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Time will tell. Until then, someone had better tell the Batman to stay out of my way.