Double Takes

Sometimes my eye will catch part of a word and my brain will attempt to fill in the missing letters. Other times I just come across something that I have to take another look at. I usually find these little episodes funny, and so I share a few here.

I was walking past a bookstore one evening and glanced at the books in the window. It was a brisk night so I wasn't stoppping to peruse the titles. Out of the corner of I my eye I saw a book that I thought was titled Sex, Love, and Diarrhea. This unlikely grouping brought me to a sudden stop so I could look again. Closer examination revealed that the actual title was Sex, Love, and Dharma. I don't know what the book is about, but it has to be better than than what I initially thought.

I was driving past a church recently and saw they had a message board. As I snuck a glance at the sign I read "Feed your faith and your donuts will starve". While there is a police station nearby, I doubted the church was really condoning pastry genocide. I also doubted that the cops would stand for it. Furthermore, I doubted that I had read the sign correctly. Sure enough, a second look showed my doubts were correct and it really said "...your doubts will starve". If only I had gotten a hint.

Recently the Human Resources department at work covered the walls with posters that said "Quit today. Live better tomorrow", and "How many reasons do you need to quit?" This was not a new head count reduction program. In reality these posters are for a smoking cessation program, but you have to read the bottom portion of the poster to know that. A co-worker mentioned this to one of the HR people and they said they'd never thought of it that way. These are the people who do my paycheck. Yet another reason to quit.


I shot this photo outside our vetrenarian's office. Maybe the security people are hiding behind the sign?

Rambling Rant: Bass Ackwards

This rant is for those members of the driving public that prefer to back into parking spaces. If you are one of these people, consider this a public service announcement just for you. Enjoy!

Parking backward takes skill and finesse. You do not have any. You invariably end up on the line and too close to the car next to you. Nine times out of ten your vehicle is crooked.

To quote Mr. Spock, parking bass ackwards is illogical. Does it really make more sense to back into a space ten foot wide and twelve foot long, then it does to back out of a parking spot into a much larger area?

Have you noticed that it takes you longer to park this way? While you are trying to cram your SUV into a parking spot that you can't see because your eyes face the wrong way, I have parked my vehicle, gone into the store, made my purchases, and are leaving before you can hit my car.

If you have one of those vehicles that beep while you are in reverse, take note of how long you hear it. If the sound lasts longer than 30 seconds you are probably in violation of local noise pollution laws.

So, please, stop it. Just don't do it... for the children. Or the spotted owl. Or whatever.

End of rant.

Santa Scrooge

A no-so-dramatic reading can be heard by clicking the play button.




'Twas a month after Christmas and all through my home,
not a creature was stirring. I was alone.

Up late at my Xbox I sat playing games,
When I heard an odd noise that I could not name.

From 'cross the hall the sound came again,
and I knew I should check if it's a foe or a friend.

In my stocking clad feet I snuck though the house
Making less noise than even a mouse.

As I peeked 'round the corner I saw standing there,
An old man by the mantle with a shock of white hair.

He wore red velvet unmarked with black soot,
and he had no belly that jiggled or shook.

Up on his head was a short stove-pipe hat,
and he bent his lean body as he cracked his sore back.

I gave a small jerk as I knew who it was
Santa Scrooge was here to help out the Claus.

With a brief "Ho, Ho, Humbug" he turned to his work,
And went looking for presents thier owners forsook.

He looks for those gifts that came Christmas morn
But now sit abandoned, lost and forlorn.

He takes back the gifts to Santa you see,
Kind of a yule tide recycling.

Once he was done with his rounds though the houses,
He would return to Santa the books and the blouses.

All of the things he gathered today
would be refurbished and then put away.

But come next December when Christmas time reigns,
These gifts would be brought out and given again.

Scrooge just doesn't take them, that's stealing you see.
So he replaces the gifts with stuff no one needs.

He came to a paint set that sat on the floor.
It had been for Laura, but played with no more.

His fingers they scrabbled and picked up the gift,
Then he fished in his bag and a twist tie he left.

He moved through the house, making his swaps.
A pin for a CD, a stick for a watch.

Each purloined present went into his bag,
and in its place he left lint or a rag.

When he was done he returned to his start,
raised his hand as to knock and the wall split apart.

He walked through the wall and climbed in his cart,
where two very strong steeds were waiting to start.

And as the walls closed again and repaired the split,
He gave a great shout (Next!) and a crack of his whip.

And I heard him exclaim as he rode down the lane,
"Ho, Ho, Humbug to all, and I'll come back again!"